Updated: Nov 9, 2019
"The day we realized our marriage was in a deep pit was the first day of our redemption... God gave us a new perspective. We began turning our struggles from different directions into striving together. Now we're striving together for more than we could have been on our own before..."
🌹If you haven't listened to this week's episode of my podcast for Intentional Moms, I hope you'll listen today to episode 8 on having an intentional marriage. This episode will gives you specific action items to transform your relationship.
This week on my podcast, I introduced listeners to my husband, Rich. It was so fun to have him join in this episode! I would have enjoyed him being there no matter what topic it was, but this particular topic is very close to our hearts so it was an extra special episode for us to share with all of you.
We've been married 27 years and we've packed a lot of life into each one of them.
If you'd like to hear a four minute overview of our family, listen here.
I'm sure you know that every marriage experiences some hurdles and some hills and some valleys. Ours definitely has been no different.
The good news is that we "woke up" in one of those valleys one day and realized it was actually a pit. We didn't know that's where we were headed as we made choices in our marriage, but it was those choices that put us there. Why is that good news? It's good news because we woke up! We realized that it wasn't the marriage we wanted nor the marriage we wanted our kids' to learn from. We'd hit rock bottom and that was the beginning of redemption!
Getting Out of the Pit
*We took a weekend away from the kids. That was the first step - to make our relationship a priority even over the kids. Now that's not a popular perspective these days (putting marriage above kids) but it is actually a big key to having a healthy family and one of the things our kids need most is to be a part of a healthy family. Your kids will find safety in knowing that Mom and Dad's relationship is solid. I've come to experience that my kids actually WANT Rich and I to put our marriage as a higher priority than family time. Their security increases as mom and dad's relationship strengthens.
*We also began keeping a notebook of what we were doing wrong and what a better way would have be as we dug into many marriage books and especially studied the Bible to see what we could find. We found that many of the stories God put in scripture was to show the consequences that happen when people make poor decisions. We would keep track of what we discovered and these records were helping us shape a new set of principles for our transforming marriage. We were doing this to make changes in our marriage but also to save our kids' marriages from some of the heartaches we had brought on ourselves. This notebook chronicled our journey out of the pit and on the road to redemption.
Re-Calibrate, Getting a New Vision
*That weekend get away was the first of many times in many years that we've come to treasure as a time to RE-CALIBRATE about our family's priorities. We evaluate our family values, examine how we're doing at prioritizing them, and set some goals and actions items for being more focused in these areas. I know that sounds like a lot of work, but we spend a lot of time relaxing and enjoying each other and then we are ready to focus on our road map of hope!
(Don't have the money for a trip away? See if someone would watch your kids for the weekend and have a stay-cation with your spouse instead).
What are your family values?
It's now been many years since we decided that the strength and health of our family was going to be above career advancement, above our own hobbies or entertainment or adventures, above wealth, and above our individual pride or comforts. We wanted something that doesn't come easily. We wanted a miracle-level life of abundant family life together! Here's our list of top values and goals that we use to monitor the strength of our family:
*We want to make God our top value, both knowing and following Him - we want all of our kids to have a real relationship with the God who made them, to believe in Him, trust Him, and listen to His leading in their lives.
Since God made us, knows us better than we know ourselves, knows the future and we don't, then it makes most sense to us that we should be moment-by-moment seeking to hear his leading in our life. We're going to choose His way over our own. We'll do this as individuals and corporately as a family as well. What a great adventure, to be following God's specific leading for our family!!
Ephesians 2:10 says that we are God's artwork created in Christ Jesus to do good works that God prepared in advance for us to do. This means that our family, with all of its unique personalities, imperfections and scars, is God's masterpiece in the making as we live the adventure of the good works that He prepared for us to do!
*We want to nurture ONENESS in our marriage - here's our podcast episode that explains what oneness is and a few ways we nurture it. We realized that one of the greatest gifts we could our kids was parents in a healthy marriage.
Now if you're no longer to married to your child's other parent, there are still ways you can add stability to their view of marriage AND simultaneously let them know you value healthy marriage.
If your child marries some day, you want them to have a strong marriage and a healthy perspective about marriage and you can influence that even if you are not married. No matter your situation with your child's other parent, you can honor them in your attitude, actions, and words. You may not be able to respect them or trust them or condone their actions, but you can be honoring about them for your children's sake.