Before I Discipline My Child...4 Levels of Love through Discipline(Blog & Podcast #83)
In this second week with Guest Becca Hammond, you'll enjoy this mother and grown daughter discussion about
🤍The complex topic of disciplining our kids - when, where, and how
🤍Mom guilt when we take mom breaks
🤍Mom health tips for pregnancy or blood sugar issues
Thanks to Becca Hammond for joining me on the podcast this week and last week! We had great fun talking about her & her two sons! I'm so thankful that God chose me to be her mama and their grandma.
Below is a my blog post that gives additional help for moms in this complex topic of discipline.
-val harrison, The Practically Speaking MOM
Before I Discipline My Child... FOUR STAGES of Loving My Child Through Discipline
Discipline is a tricky subject to discuss because there are so many variables in determining appropriate discipline, when to discipline, if discipline should happen at all....
AGE (What is best for a one year old is not what’s best for a three year old, is not what’s best for a ten year old, is not what’s best for a teen)
UNIQUE DESIGN of the child
CHILDHOOD DISCIPLINE-HISTORY of the PARENT
CHARACTERISTICS of the PARENT
...so many other factors!
In light of all of that, I was praying about how God wanted me to tackle this issue on the podcast and in this blog post. I was praying that God would show me some universal components of discipline, regardless of the unique circumstances and variables. As I prayed about this, He pointed out to me that He had already shown me those universal components over time as He had me share different aspects in the past on the podcast, He just hadn't put all the puzzle pieces together for me prior to now! I didn't realize it before, but He had crafted four separate stages of loving discipline when he gave me some former content for former podcasts. Isn't God so cool! Back in each one of those podcasts, He was laying the groundwork for this week!
There are FOUR STAGES of LOVING DISCIPLINE. As intentional moms, we should NEVER move to the next stage of discipline, if we have not accomplished the current stage.
Stage ONE: Check Your HEART and MIND
Discipline is taking actions or words that seeks to bring GROWTH from a place of love. Discipline must come from a Heart of LOVE for the child and a Mindset of GROWTH for the child.
Not prideful power.
Discipline is loving my child SO MUCH that I am willing to intercede with my words or actions in order to help them overcome habits or actions or attitudes that are hindering their life or the lives of those around them. Discipline is about helping them grow. I want to IMPACT positive GROWTH in who my child is becoming at their core. Everything I do should flow from a love for them and a desire for improving their HEART, SOUL, MIND, BODY, and RELATIONSHIPS (those are the core parts of their being).
I should NOT discipline until and unless I have gotten into a heartspace of love and a headspace of growth.
💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥As you can imagine, many of my podcasts are about the topic of loving your child well. Here's a link to one of them. EPISODE 3 "Loving Your Child Well from Toddler to Teen"
STAGE TWO: Check your 👄MOUTH & 🦾GUMPTION (Gumption is that part of you that moves you to action. It's like your parenting muscle).
Regarding your MOUTH... Discipline must come from a parent who speaks calm, clear, concise, and consistent words.
Calm- Discipline is NOT the time for emotions. Your emotions will DISTRACT from the message. Your emotions are counterproductive to their growth.
Clear & Concise- Discipline is a time for accurate, precise words. Have you made the boundaries obvious? Have you made the standard based on God's principles rather than current trends or what parents around you are doing? Have you given them a clear path of reasonable, achievable steps to move toward the standard? Boundaries, standards, rules, and steps to reach them should not be confusing.
Consistent- It's impossible to hit a moving target. If your boundaries, rules, and standards are constantly changing, you will discourage your child and they will give up on trying to comply to your plan. You and your words will also lose credibility with your child if you tell them the standard is "xyz" but then you never enforce it. Don't diminish the value of your words by failing to value your words yourself. This is ESSENTIAL as an early stage of discipline. And here's where the importance of GUMPTION (mama muscle) comes in. Let's take a closer look at the importance of gumption.
GUMPTION- Gumption is the oomph to FOLLOW THRUOGH with enforcing the boundaries/rules/standards that your mouth has stated.
When you are about to tell your kids a rule or standard or a command of any kind, FIRST, ask yourself, "Do I have the gumption to follow through with what I'm about to say? If I won't enforce the rule, I shouldn't make the rule. Am I ready to follow through, to get on my feet and go over and make it happen - not angrily but confidently, gently, clearly, completely, and unwaveringly?"
Let me give you an example. Let's say you’ve got a crawler named Timmy and you are teaching him the concept of "no."(After all, it wouldn’t be safe to let them put certain things in their mouth or to bite or to hit. All of these are important lessons that a crawler needs to learn. Thus, "no" is an essential part of the language of a mother, even for a crawler). If you say, "No, No, Timmy, don’t put that shoe in your mouth," but you sit there and let him put the shoe in his mouth, you just taught him that "no" doesn't mean no. And if you keep doing things like that (not checking your mouth and gumption before you discipline), then pretty soon Timmy learns to tune you out whenever you give instructions because he knows you don't really mean them. Or, worse yet, you say, "no," don't have the gumption to follow through so you let him go against what you said, but then all of a sudden you've had enough and you go over and explode in emotion or more. That doesn't just break credibility, it damages so much more. Now Timmy is insecure, frightened, and building an emotional barrier between you and himself.
In contrast, let's say you tell him, "No, Timmy." Then you get up on your feet and go move him away from the shoe and say, "Mama said 'no.'" Now you are teaching him that when mom says, "no," she actually means it and she is going to enforce it. This helps bring a sense of security to Timmy because he has clear boundaries and a predictable life where mom means what she says.
Trust me, the YOUNGER they are when they learn that your mouth matches your gumption (that your words match your rules match your enforcement), the easier this parenting gig will be. I do mean it is mountains upon mountains easier to parent when you are careful to keep your mouth & your mom muscle of gumption aligned. It saves me time, it saves me frustration, it saves my child frustration, it saves us all joy, and it saves our relationship when my words match my enforcement.
👄Are you making your expectations clear, the boundaries clear? And, do you have the 🦾gumption to consistently follow-through with what your mouth is saying?
Don’t move to the next step in discipline until you’ve got the first two steps down.
✨✨✨✨✨If you'd like more help and insight with STAGE TWO, listen to podcast Episode 5 "Getting Kids to Listen the First Time." CLICK HERE for episode 5.
STAGE THREE: Practice ROOT PARENTING rather than just Surface Parenting – Seek to understand their heart, their thoughts, and their CHARACTER in a given situation as part of the process of identifying appropriate consequences or a plan of action for growth in the area of concern.
💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥I really hope you'll go back and listen to the following three podcasts about Root Parenting. They are fan favorites! Ep25 - Root Parenting vs Surface Parenting, Part 1
STAGE FOUR: Complex issues requires complex discipline.
It won't come as a surprise to you that sometimes parenting gets pretty difficult, especially when we're experiencing BIG attitudes, actions, or words in our kids, such as lying, for example. I have a podcast series that goes into great detail about how to handle these more difficult heart issues in our kids. 💛💛💛💛💛💛💥💛💛CLICK HER TO LISTEN TO Ep4 - Dealing with Lying in your Child, Pt 1 CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO Ep12 - Dealing with Lying in your Child, Pt 2
(Episode 4&12 is great for any deep-seeded issue that you're dealing with in your child, or any character issue)