A Heart to Heart with Val & Tiff on the Momlife: Personality Parenting, Episode 73
In episode 73, Tiffany asks, "One thing I've been working through is making space for and validating those big feelings my kids are having without compromising respect, boundaries, or expectations in the process."
Tiffany Deschner is a mom of three and one of Val's leadership team for the Practically Speaking MOM ministry. This is the final week of a three part podcast series called, "Let's Get Real."
Today we look at Personality Parenting - adjusting your parenting based on the personality of your child but not adjusting the standard, all with a goal of equipping your unique child to thrive in the world around them. You'll learn about the three options for how we as moms handle general STANDARDS when our kids are not general; they're each unique in their struggles and giftings . Let's find out if you are a mom who is a Standard Quitter, Standard Brute, or Standard Bearer?
Here's some important points to go along with Episode 73...
Parenting is a process
Progress is gradual, not instantaneous, which means parenting takes a lot of patience as our kids' grow in character, self-regulation, self-discipline and wisdom.
We want to help our kids understand themselves better and equip them to handle themselves in the "real world." The first step is managing them in the way we hope they will manage themselves eventually. How you handle them is their example of how they should handle themselves later. How's that going for you? As mom, you are standing in the gap, for now, until they are able to manage themselves effectively.
Let's clarify how to stand in the gap in an effective way that spurs them toward the standard:
1. Verbalize the standard, make it clear in their mind.
2. Give them a framework for understanding themselves better and equip them to reach toward the standard.
3. Stay clear, calm, and consistent with the standards while remaining mindful of keeping a healthy relationship between mom and child.
Are you a Standard Quitter, Standard Brute, or Standard Bearer?
As intentional moms, we want to avoid the temptation to be a Standard Quitter or Standard Brute, but instead strive to be a Standard Bearer.
The Standard Quitter Mom says, “Bringing my child to the standard is too difficult; I give up. I quit.” '
The Standard Brute Mom says, “The standard is going to happen RIGHT NOW and I don’t care if it hurts our relationship or anything else. I care about your behavior in this moment more than the development of your heart's understanding of the standard. I’ll sacrifice anything for the standard to happen right now.”
Instead, we want to be a mom who keeps the standard in her focus, but knows this is not a quick fix process. Be a Standard Bearer who doesn’t desert the standard but doesn’t destroy everything else to make it happen immediately.
Growth is Gradual
As you foster growth that moves your unique one-of-a-kind child toward what is right, your child’s character will improve gradually.
Along the way, you can
*keep reminding them of what is appropriate,
*giving illustrations of WHY it is appropriate,
*and keep holding to the standard even when it is inconvenient or you feel like you're not making headway.
*Remind them who they were created to become. This inspires self-regulation and growth.
*Don’t get comfortable with misbehavior and always hold them accountable, but do it all with a merciful attitude.
For more help on growing your child's character, go to my podcast series called “Dealing with Lying in your Child.” That series takes parents step by step through the process of overcoming serious character concerns in our children. It applies to any concern, not just lying. Listen now by going to episode 4 & episode 12.
As you raise your unique child, help them recognize that there are certain standards for
✅ taking care of others,
✅ taking care of ourselves,
✅and thriving in our circumstances
Rather than changing the world to make life easier for your child, equip your one-of-a-kind child to handle the world around them and to even THRIVE in the world.
“Don’t change the environment. Equip them to handle who they are, that’s one of our main parent goals. Help them know themselves and help them identify effective ways to manage themselves while still thriving and still being a blessing, and still tackling obstacles. That is the adventure we are on as moms! What is the best way to equip this child? A kindergartener is not going to be as equipped as a 2nd grader, is not going to be as equipped as a 4th grader, if a mom is working on it all along the way.” “teaching them to deal with life from a place of reality and what is an appropriate way to handle it.” val harrison, episode 73 "Let's Get Real with Val & Tiff"
God has something amazing for each child to do in life and to bring to the world.
All of these things that we as parents have a tendency to see as a weakness is usually our signal that there are some strengths there. Your child has some unique strength all wrapped up inside of that apparent weakness. It is one of your signals to know how to help your child thrive in life.“
Resources related to this episode
Thank You, Tiff!
Thank you Tiffany Deschner for being vulnerable and open with our intentional mom community so that all of us could be encouraged and better equipped thanks to your example of intentional motherhood. I also want to thank you, Tiffany, for being a faithful member of the Practically Speaking MOM leadership team.
Note from Tiff...
"I want moms to feel confident that we don’t have to know it all; we have a God who does. We need to lean in to Him and His plan for our lives. He knows our children best and we need to seek him first. I pray that I will grow in the Lord so that he pours out of me and into my parenting, that I tap into his strength and not my own. I want moms to know that motherhood is a journey that will shape us as much as we are shaping our children. Lean in to the growth that God has for you in motherhood. I hope that moms will focus on him and not on me, I’m simply a vessel." Tiffany
What's Coming Next
Now, my intentional mom friends, I get to tell you what we have planned for the podcast next week! I’ll be sharing with you what’s in my Mom Box– it’s my tools for the busy momlife – I’m talking about literal tangible tools that will make your life a little easier and make your parenting a little more effective.
I mentioned my Mom Box in episode 70 with tiffany when she brought up using a timer and I told her that a timer is one of the important tools in my mom box! "What else is in there," you ask? Well, I’m going to tell you all about it next week on the Practically Speaking MOM Podcast!
Episode 74: What's in My Mom Box - Tangible Tools for the Busy MomLife, part 1: Tools that Reduce Negative News coming from my mouth
Episode 75: What's in My Mom Box - part 2, Positive Reinforcement Tools & Mom Brain doesn't have to be a bad thing!
Episodes 76-77: Q&A with Dr. Amy Barfield, psychologist and mom
76: Listener Q&A about Sleep Issues, Stress for kids & mom, Screen Time
77: Listener Q&A about ADHD
Connecting with Val to have her speak at a parenting or womens event or for Rich & Val to speak at a marriage event: email