Click to listen to podcast Episode 36: Kids' Emotions, Self-Sufficiency & Talk with a Preschool Mom Mom-dependent vs. Independent, Helping Kids deal with their emotions, Your child's weakness may be a strength in disguise, Having Kids Take Responsibility for the Ripple Effects of Their Actions is the Best Teacher of All. We talk about all of these parenting issues today on the podcast in a conversation between myself and my grown daughter, Becca, the mother of two preschoolers . While most of the examples today are about young children, the principles can be applied to all ages.
Here's the parenting principles we're talking about on the podcast today...
*Independent versus mom-dependent, which type child do you have?
In the area of self-sufficiency, kids tend to fall into two categories: the “Mom, you do it. It’s too hard for me. I can’t do it.” mom-dependent types, OR, the self-sufficient types, “Mom, let me do it myself. I can do it” all while pushing mom away.
Each child-type needs to learn different lessons in the area of sufficiency.
The mom-dependent child needs to learn more determination and self-sufficiency. With my children who were mom-dependent types, I would tell them, "I want to help you and I will, as soon as I see you try your best first." And then I would keep my word (otherwise my word becomes empty air, without any meaning or value, and they stop listening to my words or believing what i say) - if they didn't try their best, they didn't get help. It only took a couple times of me keeping my word, for the child to realize that I wasn't going to help until they truly tried their best. This really helped to curtail their dependency mentality. It wasn't that I was cold and uncaring; it's that I was looking at the long term benefits over the short term ease. I won't be by their side in all situations throughout their life and I want to equip them to humbly, yet confidently, tackle any obstacle that comes their way!
In contrast, the independent-type child needs to learn some humility, the ability to ask for help when it is needed, and that learning from another person isn't so terribly awful. These kids need to realize that it isn’t defeat to ask for help and that learning from others is a positive thing. Have you ever had a friend or co-worker who was too arrogant to learn from others? Do you want your child to be that person some day? The younger they are when they learn humility and teachability, the sooner they enjoy the fruits of their improved character.
*Teach Kids to deal with their EMOTIONS😁😫😥🙄🤣🥰
Teach kids to deal with their emotions –
to stop,
take a deep breath,
identify what emotions you’re feeling and why,
and then verbalize those feelings with words rather than making unhealthy actions about those feelings.
Throwing things or stomping off or shutting down are not helpful and, in fact, they cause further troubles.. As parents, one of our main roles is to raise up strong people who can handle their defeats and disappointments in productive ways that don’t throw them into tailspins or immobilization.
*Might that weakness actually be a strength in disguise? Honing your child's strengths...
Moms, I’ve told you before that our kids' weaknesses are usually a strength in disguise – a strength that is out of balance, needing some shaping. We can help our kids with a little strategic parenting.
Here’s our tendency instead – and I do this too, mom. I’m often getting caught off guard with an irritation I’m experiencing in one of the kids. The irritation may even lead to some conflict. Then I remember, "oh yeah, there’s probably a strength hidden in here! Instead of being frustrated, I need to be strategic." Being strategic is really what intentional parenting is all about!
Instead of overlooking the fact that strengths are hidden in those weaknesses, let’s
*identify the strength to hone,
*identify the weakness to bring into balance,
*and, most importantly, equip your child to recognize both their potential and strategies to overcome the weaknesses that tend to be connected to those strengths.
For example, let's say a child is taking a lonnngggg time to complete a task. You start feeling frustrated and impatient while you're waiting on them. (I may or may not be talking about a real-life scenario from my home and the impatient parent may or may not be me!) Then you remember, "Hey, there might be a strength hidden here! Let's investigate, identify the strength to hone, and the weakness to bring into balance." So, I, ...uhhh, I mean, the frustrated parent, starts asking the "slow-moving" child questions. Answers begin to reveal that the child is thinking through the aspects of their task from many detailed angles that I, ...uhhh the parent, hadn't thought of themselves. It occurs to the parent that these thoughts the child is having sound a lot like thoughts that an engineer would think if they were doing this task. So, the parent praises the child for their thorough thinking, tells them that being detailed will result in a lot better results. Then, the parent gives some strategies for balancing GOOD work versus PERFECTION - one gets completed in a reasonable amount of time and the other is burdensome. The impatient parent (me) apologizes for my impatience, tells her son (Andrew) that she wishes she was more like him - more precise, more analytical, and then she encourages him to keep an eye on the clock when he does tasks so that the time doesn't get out of hand.... Conflict averted; child is more aware of himself; mom is more aware of the child and knows some things she needs to be training and praising in him; and, some exciting vision for his future is beginning to unfold!
*Taking Responsibility is the best teacher of all (and is usually better than punishment). Keep it simple, Mom, teach your child to take responsibility for their actions - accidental and intentional.
In this week's podcast we also talk about the importance of having our kids clean up their own life messes – both the accidental mistakes and the messes that come from poor decisions or poor attitudes or poor behavior. We all make messes – whether it is hurting someone’s feelings or leaving our dirty dishes for someone else to clean up, or accidentally knocking the glass off the table that breaks on the floor. We humans are pretty prone to mess making.
Do you realize that there are wonderful and simple parenting strategies that are right there in those messes! Sometimes as parents we think we need to come up with a punishment or consequence for a behavior, when really, the best teacher of all is helping them face their mess and ensuring that they clean it up. We don't need to wag our finger and lecture while they clean it up. Doing that only distracts from the lesson. Instead, .express your empathy for their situation, and that you're proud of them for taking responsibility for their actions.
Continuing my journey back to HEALTHy
I wanted to give you another little nugget for mom health. The organization Trim Healthy Mama (val's affiliate link) has a recipe for a drink they recommend and they call it a "sipper" – something for us to sip on all day that helps our digestion, helps to heal our gut, and, I have found, that this sipper also cleanses my pallet throughout the day, reducing cravings. I also have noticed that it reduces bloating. Interestingly the same ingredients, plus one, are recommended by the functional nutrition office that I’ve been going to. Each of these companies have different ratios in the drink, so I’m just going to leave off the ratios and you can fine-tune it to your liking. The ingredients are
*Apple Cider Vinegar (be sure to buy a kind that says “with the mother” – it’s this very ugly looking floaty in the jar, but it is where all the health benefits lie, so get ACV with the mother. I generally buy Braggs brand.
*Lemon juice - Costco sells the most delicious tasting organic lemon juice and it is huge bargain at two big bottles for under $10.
*Ginger juice - Trim Healthy Mama recommends adding ginger juice to this sipper while my functional nutrition clinic recommends
*Unsweetened cranberry juice. So, I use both of those ingredients. My favorite brand of organic cranberry juice is Knudson. It is pricey but I feel it is still the best value because it is so much stronger than any other brand I’ve tried, thus I use less of it.
Now, mamas, these ingredients are super strong, so start with just a little of each greatly diluted in water. Trim Healthy Mama recommends some natural sweeteners to add to it also.
Okay, there’s your mama health tip for the day. Now let’s begin our conversation with Becca, on the Practically Speaking MOM: Intentional Mom, Strong Family Podcast!! Click here to listen Technically this conversation is going to last three episodes, but we’ll be talking about very different issues each week. This week is the info in today's blog. Next week, we'll be talking about Family Communication & all things toddler (publishes 5/25/2020). The final week we’ll be talking about balancing being a mom with earning income, something the majority of us moms have to do these days (6/1/2020).
Resources
Val's Affiliate Link to Trim Healthy Mama
Podcast Episode 19 - When Littles are Loud: A Routine that Fosters Growth... Podcast Episode 4 - Dealing with Lying in your Child, Part 1 Podcast Episode 12 - Lying, Part 2: Dealing with the Heart of your Child
CONNECT with Val: www.PracticallySpeakingMOM.com Public announcements & Resources Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/PracticallySpeakingMom/
